STILL SPEAKING IN MODERATE TONES
Todavía Hablando en Tonos Moderados
by
Mary Hunt Webb
Posted Saturday, March 31, 2018
Not all communication requires words. [Photographer: Elliot Nevills. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net.]
It happened again yesterday. I had a thought about what my husband and I should do that afternoon, but I didn't mention it to him. Before ten minutes had passed, he expressed the same idea to me. On other occasions, he has thought something without voicing it to me, and I have spoken it to him so that he responded, "I was just thinking that!" That has happened so many times that we shouldn't be surprised any more, but we still find it amazing. It is as though our brains have antennae to send and receive thought waves.
While that has created harmony for us, it has driven our son crazy. When he would try to convince us of his need to do something or go somewhere, all my husband and I had to do was to look at each other to know how we felt on the matter.
Our son would look at each of us and ask, "What?"
He knew some communication had taken place, but he didn't know what it was, and it frustrated him. He could not argue with silent communication.
Even when we use words, we often use a sort of verbal shorthand. Sometimes we make references to things that happened early in our marriage. People that were not there at the time don't know what we are talking about — but we do. That's because communication is often based on shared experiences.
Shared experiences provide the foundation for continued communication. [Photographer: Renata Valadez. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net.]
Now that we have a home-based business and are together quite a bit every day, one would think that we don't have anything to talk about, but we do. We are both avid readers so that we talk about interesting items that we have both read. A few years ago, we started keeping a book in the car. When we have to wait for any reason — in a doctor's office or in a restaurant, for example — one of us reads to the other. That gives us something to express our opinions on.
Reading aloud to each other may not work for everyone. I recently met a couple that often works jigsaw puzzles together in the evening. They are interacting with each other instead of being focused on a television set. The idea is to keep the lines of communication open in a long-term relationship. Communication isn't something that just happens. Both parties have to be willing to participate, but it can't be forced.
Communication is the result of both parties being willing to participate. [Photographer: Jack Moreh. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net.]
Finding areas of mutual interest is one way to prevent what has become known as "gray divorce". That's the term applied to divorce that occurs among couples over 50 years of age. One of the symptoms of any divorce — "gray" or otherwise — is a lack of calm communication.
When people comment on our several decades of marriage, I often quip, "And we are still speaking to each other in more or less moderate tones!"
While that often receives a laugh or a chuckle, the truth is that calm comments lead to communication whereas sharp or loud ones break it down. The Bible tells us that, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." (Proverbs 25:11, NKJV)
One thing that helps communication is to get away from the house to talk about potentially disagreeable topics. My husband has long been an advocate of "mini-dates". I remember early in our marriage when our budget was tight and I was still finishing up my degree, he insisted on taking me out for an ice cream cone one evening. I had been studying very hard and didn't really have the time to break away from my studies, but he could probably see that I was working too hard. He took me to the Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone. (This was back when I was still slender enough to afford the calories!) We weren't gone very long, but it was just long enough to refresh me and to let me know that he still cared about me. It was his way of showing me that he was supporting me in the completion of my degree. Since he already had his master's degree, he knew how intense studying could get, and he knew the importance of taking breaks. That memory of how he showed his concern brings to mind 1 Thessalonians 5:11, which says, "Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing." (NKJV)
Comfort. That is what we give each other in a world that offers so little of it. Comfort and an affirmation of support have surfaced time and again during our marriage. I believe that is yet another reason that our marriage has survived.
BiBLE VERSES FOR THiS POSTiNG
Proverbs 25:11 — "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." (NKJV)
Proverbios 25:11 — Manzana de oro con figuras de plata es la palabra dicha como conviene. (Reina-Valera 1960)
1 Thessalonians 5:11 — Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing. (NKJV)
1 Tesalonicenses 5:11 — Por lo cual, animaos unos a otros, y edificaos unos a otros, así como lo hacéis. (Reina-Valera 1960)
Amos 3:3 — Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? (NKJV)
Amós 3:3 — ¿Andarán dos juntos, si no estuvieren de acuerdo? (Reina-Valera 1960)
"Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3 — NKJV). [Photographer: Thoughthelens Photo. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net.]
